Friday night

It’s crazy when you know whats good for you but somehow find a way to avoid doing those things. Is it a subconscious fear of progress? Or is it a genuine laziness? It’s  complex, it’s everything and then some.

It’s a lonely journey sometimes. I have nobody to face but myself. A journey which I once loved wholeheartedly has become a tiring pursuit of digging for gold. And I’m not ready to stop digging, I don’t ever want to stop, but how do I build more energy and enthusiasm. I’m waking up tired from doing absolutely nothing, then I nap and I still feel tired so I nap some more, maybe I’ll squeeze in some motivational videos from youtube or some celebrity gossip, who knows this time.

I always know what I ought to do, I know why I feel a little down, I even know why I feel lack of energy. Thats the thing about this journey, you can pretend all you want but you’re only fooling yourself, I hear the answers exactly the same time as I feel those feelings of resentment for where I am right now in life, I also hear very loudly the directions of where I can go but choose not to.

I noticed that when I’m around people, on days where I’m feeling particularly withdrawn, I overcompensate with trivial vague conversation fillers, I smile and nod a lot more than I really want to, and I cringe at my feeble attempt to get to know people, not because I want to but because I feel it would be too awkward not to. I dislike myself in those modes, I’m still trying to figure out if its the effort that counts or I should do what I feel in that moment, again, there is no simple answer but maybe its fair to say its a mixture of lots of things, with a particular focus on caring more about how I feel in the moment, as long as I’m trying to make myself happy, whatever that looks like..

Mellow is. Sitting in my living room by myself on a Friday night, no noise only the faint sounds of police sirens and the pumping of electro music. I’m low but content, relieved that I said no to going clubbing and appreciative of this pretty Christmas tree I decorated with fairy lights that look like fire flies. I don’t even believe in Christmas, but I love the sentiment and I’d love to feel some Christmas spirit right about now. I’d love to move somewhere warm close to the sea, grow some long locs, living on a plant based diet, confident in myself, in love with myself and embracing of the laws of life. I’d love to have some friends, I’d love to be one of those people who ‘light up the room’ with their energy and grace, I’d love to see the good in everyone and everything, i’d love to be unfamiliar with bitterness and regret and that deep rooted sadness that i’m trying so hard to weed out. Maybe I’m not trying. Maybe i’m content with the dream of a good joyful life and not actually living it- because to live it would require too much effort right? Yes, thats it.

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