seated on the edge

Where do insecurities lie within the inner depths of my ocean, so I can reach down and pluck them, burn them on land and send them off in smoke to God in the ether.

Why must disruption be apart of life, when life is just and life is God and God is love, is disruption love? And if so why must love cause pain if love is good?

I feel burdened by my dislike of emotions or my inability to separate my emotions from my communication or my inability to marry the two.

I dislike that I dislike something so integral to making me me, I dislike because hate is a strong word. I only dislike because I’m learning to be in flow, i’m learning that we will not always like what life hands us but to play an interesting song means high notes as well as lows.

I love, I love and my love is found in my emotions unrefined and raw, in my dislike for myself and in my inability to connect in my communication with a significant other, although non apparent and hard to find, it is very much there. So i’ll explore my dislikes because they rest close to my heart. My dislike is a discontent in the apparent absence of connection, it’s wanting to feel seen, it’s wanting to feel heard, it’s wanting to feel, love.

Alone, in my corner, I will break all invisible walls that made me perceive being alone in a corner and I will flap my strong wings tearing the invisible ceiling of my mind apart only to amass something new and extraordinary, the kind of destruction that births stars. The kind of destruction that can only birth something powerful naked raw and indestructible in its own self-destruction. Once one walks through war torn fields, and isolation only then does one become and become and become, and realise the power of her becoming.

Thank you eager emotions, you make sense to me in my inner world. You are confusingly simple and misunderstood and buried still yet to be discovered. I hope one day in my physical realm we may meet in union and are unapologetic because radical love of self precedes and births the fullness of other emotions.

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