I entered the world of photography in a state of fascination, quiet discontent and rebellion. Love and frustration, intent on making my mark, not as someone with the best tools but as someone with an idea worth sharing an idea that only lived in my head.
I gained attention for my ideas. I was swept up. I had unlocked another level of my life, I had entered the world of advertising unintentionally and very quickly, things changed. Changes that made me feel wheezy, I couldn’t put my finger on it, how did I get here, how did little ol’ me gain access into a world I never saw possible- of unlimited resources, possibilities and I was the product.
I asked the wrong questions, I tried to see myself as worthy of all the good that I had attracted, I tried by attempting miserably to change into something other than me, I already didn’t like myself which had left my character underdeveloped in some areas. I already had a complex fight going on within myself and now with the added strain of imposter syndrome.
I gained access into the advertising world and I put pressure on my photography- it was no longer a source of joy, something I wanted to get better in to showcase my ideas. Instead, I had placed my anxieties on it, my desperation to be seen and accepted, my sadness’, in my eyes my photography was no longer my pride and there went the sauce.
I write this to identify where everything went wrong, so I can get my substance back, one thing I used to do whenever possible, I used to study the masters, I used to practise and study and refine my craft as well as work on myself and do things that made my spirit feel free. My ideas where clear as a result, even when there were no clearly defined concepts, I had learnt to see.
I don’t want to overcompensate in my work anymore, likewise I do not want to overcompensate in my life anymore. I am better than I have been in a long time in my life, I am wiser and more equipped, a little depleted, but I’m working on that. I want the to see myself be my best me and I know it is one step at a time and I’m on the right path. I feel very clear right now.